12/4/10

so i'm having trouble with this whole life thing...living in general is a struggle...even more so now that i dont want to die...that makes everything a lot harder...i am living for my children but they drive me crazy...i feel so guilty because God spared my life and i feel like i dont appreciate it like i should...i'm sitting on my ass feeling alone and not wanting to do anything...i'll continue this later

12/1/10

I went to an AA meeting today.  It's the only place I feel comfortable and  happy.  I am always nervous walking in but the second I sit down and look around I feel at home, like this is where I belong.  I enjoy being around all of the men and women who can relate to me.  I feel like I belong there.  As much as I enjoy being there, I am still too afraid to say anything.  I know the time is coming and in a way I look forward to it, but I also dread it.  Everyone in my life judges me, my mother, my brother, my children, my friends. I know these people won't judge me, but I am still afraid.  I keep thinking that I could do it if I had a drink before, but that's why I'm there, to not feel that way.  Thinking about Christmas and New Year's scares me too.  How will I get through them sober?  I can't even begin to imagine.  I don't think I want to.  For now I just have to take one day at a time.