I have a lot in my head and I need to get it out. I'm a 35 year old mommy of three who, after many years of living but not feeling actually "alive", is trying to learn how to live again. Maybe someone can relate to this, or not. No matter, this is good therapy.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
12/4/10
so i'm having trouble with this whole life thing...living in general is a struggle...even more so now that i dont want to die...that makes everything a lot harder...i am living for my children but they drive me crazy...i feel so guilty because God spared my life and i feel like i dont appreciate it like i should...i'm sitting on my ass feeling alone and not wanting to do anything...i'll continue this later
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
12/1/10
I went to an AA meeting today. It's the only place I feel comfortable and happy. I am always nervous walking in but the second I sit down and look around I feel at home, like this is where I belong. I enjoy being around all of the men and women who can relate to me. I feel like I belong there. As much as I enjoy being there, I am still too afraid to say anything. I know the time is coming and in a way I look forward to it, but I also dread it. Everyone in my life judges me, my mother, my brother, my children, my friends. I know these people won't judge me, but I am still afraid. I keep thinking that I could do it if I had a drink before, but that's why I'm there, to not feel that way. Thinking about Christmas and New Year's scares me too. How will I get through them sober? I can't even begin to imagine. I don't think I want to. For now I just have to take one day at a time.
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